不知是昏睡了多久,我從惡夢中驚醒過來。本想起身來,但頭卻            
                                                                              
      像是有千斤重一樣,把我壓回潔白的枕頭,此時,我方察覺四周近乎            
                                                                              
      全白,枕頭、床單、棉被、床、甚至連四壁也是漆成白色的,這裡必            
                                                                              
      是醫院了!床的斜對面有面鏡子,映出蒼白而憔悴的我。母親皺著眉            
                                                                              
      ,低聲和醫生討論,似乎無察覺我已醒來,我靜下了心,回想發生了            
                                                                              
      什麼,然後閉目凝神靜聽他們的對話。『究竟要昏迷多久啊?已經三            
                                                                              
      天三夜了!』,『唉!我們已經盡力而為了,醒是會醒,但‧‧‧‧            
                                                                              
      只怕再醒也只能醒一個多月了。令嬡天生體質就不好,肝、肺皆有毛            
                                                                              
      病,加上無細心保養,常常熬夜,從小到大,現在肝炎已是很危險了            
                                                                              
      ,本來不至如此嚴重的,但我們發現她最近曾喝過酒,那減了她好幾            
                                                                              
      年的歲月!』天啊!我曾編織了多少夢,要和你共享人生,至今,一            
                                                                              
      切都‧‧‧‧母親在啜泣著,為了不使她發現我已知道病情,我忍住            
                                                                              
      眼淚,看著前面沙發,我多麼希望你在這裡啊!輕輕安撫著我的肩膀            
                                                                              
      ,替我梳理髮絲,跟我說:『蓉!不要怕,這一切都是惡夢,很快就            
                                                                              
      會過去的‧‧‧‧』現今你究竟在何處?你可知道我多需要你嗎?              
                                                                              



發信人: Betty@sexstory (我...咬妳喔...), 信區: emotion
標  題: 轉貼[ 蓉與牧童 ] : 十二                                               
發信站: 情色文學 BBS     (Sun Jul 30 22:51:09 1995)                           
轉信站: sexstory                                                              
                                                                              
      牧童:                                                                  
                                                                              
          趁著護士不在,我又偷偷爬起來寫信。你為何不回信呢?是因為            
                                                                              
      還未回高雄?還是同其他男孩依樣,見我大限將至;及以往俏麗裡臉            
                                                                              
      上已大失光彩,於是皆離我遠走了?我相信你是前者,我一向很信任            
                                                                              
      你的。                                                                  
                                                                              
          本來有一股衝動,要把醫院地址給你,讓你來看看垂死可憐的我            
                                                                              
      。但你知道嗎?我變得好醜好醜,臉都凹了進去,眼睛浮腫,嘴唇白            
                                                                              
      中帶紫,早已失去生氣,在鏡子中,我絲毫尋不到舊日的影子,也尋            
                                                                              
      不到舊日的自信,你可知道我心碎了?碎成一塊一塊?我昨晚用蘋果            
                                                                              
      將鏡子打碎,而且不准家人以外的人來看我,我要保存自己最後的美            
                                                                              
      麗。事實上,除了導師,和兩三知己外,來的人幾乎是沒有,那位被            
                                                                              
      你說成是我男友,後來找人去打你的國小同學,送來了一朵花,看到            
                                                                              
      我變樣的臉,從此不再來了。我的人和他送的花一樣,凋了,不再有            
                                                                              
      人理睬。                                                                
                                                                              
          後天就是聯考了,我苦苦央求父母讓我赴考,在向聯考會陳情後            
                                                                              
      ,允許一個醫生隨侍在考場外。或許有人會笑我:即使考上了,又有            
                                                                              
      什麼用呢?又何必去縮短本已少的歲月?但我自忖在這世上無留下什            
                                                                              
      麼,除了父母和你之外,所以我認為這一筆雖是多餘的,卻是有意義            
                                                                              
      的。更何況哭也哭過了,恨也恨完了,為何不再堅強地最後站起來一            
                                                                              
      次?                                                                    
                                                                              
          為了讓你回憶中,保有我最美好的影子,我求你不要來看我,但            
                                                                              
      求你把你的照片寄來好嗎?我好想看看你,不論醜俊,那都會給我一            
                                                                              
      絲氣力的。                                                              
                                                                              
          夜深沈了,真的深了,我在想著你現在做什麼?睡覺?用功?我            
                                                                              
      相信你已準備的差不多了,好好打一仗吧!好想跟你同一考場。嗟乎            
                                                                              
      !臨死之前,才發現自己的『好想』真多。十六歲,真不甘願,彷彿            
                                                                              
      美酒尚未飲盡,杯子便破了。你可憐我嗎?                                  
                                                                              
          或許你也像那些薄情郎一樣,現實而寡情,我不會怪你,畢竟你            
                                                                              
      給我的已太多了。淚不爭氣地又流了出來,血也忍不住又咳了出來,            
                                                                              
      染紅了我無力的字體。                                                    


 


發信人: Betty@sexstory (我...咬妳喔...), 信區: emotion
標  題: 轉貼[ 蓉與牧童 ] : 十三                                               
發信站: 情色文學 BBS     (Sun Jul 30 22:51:11 1995)                           
轉信站: sexstory                                                              
                                                                              
      牧童:                                                                  
                                                                              
          忍住了許久的眼淚,終於又掉了下來,看著它們一滴一滴落                
                                                                              
      在地板碎了,碎在心中。我非感傷自己離大限已不遠矣,而是感                
                                                                              
      懷你竟也是那樣寡情,唉,能怪誰呢?至今,身雖未死,心卻已                
                                                                              
      死。                                                                    
                                                                              
          這幾天,心中一直矛盾,一方面想著要見見你,一方面卻又                
                                                                              
      不願你見到我醜陋的模樣。你可知道是什麼支撐著我考完聯考的                
                                                                              
      ?當全身昏眩,氣血翻湧,我總告訴自己:支持下去,回醫院就                
                                                                              
      能看見你的信躺在病榻上,更或許你的人已坐在病榻前的沙發上                
                                                                              
      。這個念頭支撐著我寫完考卷。                                            
                                                                              
          國文的作文題目:幸福掌握在自己手中,我以顫抖的手,在                
                                                                              
      字淚俱下的情況下,把稿紙寫滿了。其實對我而言,幸福是什麼                
                                                                              
      呢?我剩下的幸福便是你的信,那會給我一絲心靈的慰藉。我一                
                                                                              
      面寫,一面在心中吶喊著:騙人、騙人、騙人的,幸福那是掌握                
                                                                              
      在自己的手中呢?正如我最後這麼一點幸福,也被無情的你剝奪                
                                                                              
      走了。若這句話是對,那上天待我又是何其不公?                            
                                                                              
          這封信或許是我的遺書了。常聽人家說什麼靈性、靈性,自                
                                                                              
      己至死前,才了解自己也頗有點靈性,便是知道自己在這幾天必                
                                                                              
      要安息了,這種靈性又令人何其悲也!其實世上的牽掛太多了,                
                                                                              
      走了一走了之,反倒落得輕鬆。像那天考完,我連對都沒有對,                
                                                                              
      反正考上了那間學校,都是無所謂,倒是真正關心的是你。我死                
                                                                              
      後,你是否也會有另一個筆友?不要!不要!真的,我好想當你                
                                                                              
      的第一個和最後一個筆友,這或許有點自私,但成全我好嗎?                  
                                                                              
          恐怕無法實踐諾言了,猶記上次承諾你說,定要留住自己的                
                                                                              
      腳步,但終究,是上天帶走了我。                                          
                                                                              
          好想再喝酒。『我歌月徘徊,我舞影零亂,醒時同交歡,醉                
                                                                              
      後各分散,永結無情遊,相期邈雲漢。』人生彷彿一場豪飲,匆                
                                                                              
      匆舉杯,匆匆落杯,留下的只是無情的酒漬,醉醒後,回首一看                
                                                                              
      ,才知已是紅塵萬里了。                                                  
                                                                              
          為何不再給我一封信呢?你可知道我多想念你嗎?再度想起                
                                                                              
      你的大學之夢,多美,多美,多美!但曾幾何時,美夢如花瓣入                
                                                                              
      水,沉了,無影無蹤。在夢中,總是夢到嫁給你,生好多好多的                
                                                                              
      兒子、女兒,又想到你哄孩子的憨態,在夢中也笑了起來,一夢                
                                                                              
      醒來,卻依舊處於床榻,不覺悲從中來,又是涕淚俱下。啊!『                
                                                                              
      此時此景,更與何人說?』                                                
                                                                              
          你會想念我嗎?你總是很瀟灑的,或許會大哭一場,然後繼                
                                                                              
      續在人生旅途中,踽踽獨行,我只恨自己福薄,無法與你攜酒共                
                                                                              
      走天涯。啊!一陣陣的氣悶哽在胸口,一時間覺得心臟越跳越慢                
                                                                              
      了,牧童!牧童!我好痛苦‧‧‧‧                                         
                                                                               
        


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